The Flying News

Barefoot Shoes, Shirtless Shirts, and Commando Undies
If you hadn’t heard of Barefoot Shoes™ before reading this sentence, now, having read it, you have heard of them. But Barefoot Shoes™ were just a beginning, or only—as one used to say before the invention of the abominable term…
Nose Running Like a Faucet? Try These Tricks
If your nose is running like a faucet, should you run to the doctor or to the sink? Or call a plumber and hope for the best? According to the self-proclaimed experts, chances are you don’t need a doctor, nurse,…
US Congress Reportedly Considering Universal Excuse Law
Unless circumstances beyond our control intervene, the official COVID-19™ emergency is slated to end on May 11th of this very year. This has caused a certain amount of consternation, and even distress, in some quarters. As one anonymous source explained…
Why and How to Carve Your Name Into a Brick Anonymously
We all like to think we will have left a trace when we die. We want to leave a legacy, memories someone will hold onto, chunks of mineral someone will cherish. So we make gravestones, and bricks, and that sort…
Pennsylvania Library Hosts ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ Despite Community Protests
Leechburg, Pa: Despite mostly peaceful community protests, the Armstrong County Library proceeded with a ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ yesterday afternoon. About twenty-seven children aged four through six attended, along with parents and other community members. When asked why the Armstrong County Library…
Experiments in Instant Gratification
You know that experiment where they tell a child, “You can have one marshmallow now, or two later”? Most of the kids choose the one marshmallow now, showing “just how stupid most children are,” in scientific terminology. Under the direction…
12 or 13 Things the Government Won’t Tell You About Submarine Duty
How long can you hold your breath? If you could swim a nautical mile in someone else’s shoes, would your feet stink less or more? Is Blackbeard’s treasure at the bottom of the ocean or did the goldfish eat it…
Happy Birthday Named National Anthem of Cyprus
The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots…
Little Girl Refuses to Have Birthday, Stays Six Years Old
Suzanne G. Corbett, of Dayton, OH, known to her friends as Suzie, recently refused to have a seventh birthday: I like being six years old, and my mommy says that when I’m seven, I’ll have to be a big girl…
How to Make a Jelly Doughnut
Easy Recipe – Only Two Ingredients! Welcome back to another episode of The Flying News Cooking Channel! In this episode, we will teach you how to make a Jelly Doughnut! With only Two Ingredients! What could be better?! Well, maybe…

Barefoot Shoes, Shirtless Shirts, and Commando Undies

If you hadn’t heard of Barefoot Shoes™ before reading this sentence, now, having read it, you have heard of them. But Barefoot Shoes™ were just a beginning, or only—as one used to say before the invention of the abominable term prequel—a prelude to better things. Last Tuesday, to nearly universal acclaim, Barefoot Shoes Inc. introduced […]

Nose Running Like a Faucet? Try These Tricks

Jim Jocifero

If your nose is running like a faucet, should you run to the doctor or to the sink? Or call a plumber and hope for the best? According to the self-proclaimed experts, chances are you don’t need a doctor, nurse, or housewife to fix the problem—just a little know-how and some elbow grease. Tricks for […]

US Congress Reportedly Considering Universal Excuse Law

Vim Vocifero

Unless circumstances beyond our control intervene, the official COVID-19™ emergency is slated to end on May 11th of this very year. This has caused a certain amount of consternation, and even distress, in some quarters. As one anonymous source explained to our intrepid roving reporter Ryan Rocifero, “COVID-19™ gave us an ideal excuse to avoid […]

Why and How to Carve Your Name Into a Brick Anonymously

Jim Jocifero

We all like to think we will have left a trace when we die. We want to leave a legacy, memories someone will hold onto, chunks of mineral someone will cherish. So we make gravestones, and bricks, and that sort of thing. If you’re an artist, maybe you can paint a self-portrait, but for the […]

Pennsylvania Library Hosts ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ Despite Community Protests

Vim Vocifero

Leechburg, Pa: Despite mostly peaceful community protests, the Armstrong County Library proceeded with a ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ yesterday afternoon. About twenty-seven children aged four through six attended, along with parents and other community members. When asked why the Armstrong County Library offered a venue for this distasteful event, Head Children’s Librarian Cassandra Ngo, who uses the […]

Experiments in Instant Gratification

Jim Jocifero

You know that experiment where they tell a child, “You can have one marshmallow now, or two later”? Most of the kids choose the one marshmallow now, showing “just how stupid most children are,” in scientific terminology. Under the direction of Big Science, the experiment is now being conducted in performance venues such as theatres […]

12 or 13 Things the Government Won’t Tell You About Submarine Duty

Jim Jocifero

How long can you hold your breath? If you could swim a nautical mile in someone else’s shoes, would your feet stink less or more? Is Blackbeard’s treasure at the bottom of the ocean or did the goldfish eat it all? These are the questions you ponder when you think about joining the navy, but […]

Happy Birthday Named National Anthem of Cyprus

Jim Jocifero

The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots voted to switch to Happy Birthday as their new national anthem. Hymn to Liberty is […]

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